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For the record.

July 31, 2009

A coworker made a most disparaging remark against my character yesterday. It was so insulting, in fact, that I feel compelled to set the record straight. In writing. (where he’ll never see it…)

Scene: Office. 3pm. A Belgian coworker has just stopped by the with his wife and their month old son. Everyone in the office – and I mean everyone – is huddled around the bundle of joy.

Crowd of 50: Oooh! He’s beautiful! What a big boy! Aww! How much does he weigh? Oooh! Awww!

Baby: Burp.

Crowd of 50: Ahh! He just burped! Did you see him burp? I think he just burped! Oh, if that isn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! Awww!

Me: I think I have some taxes to get done.

Mean Coworker: You don’t want to stay and “oooh & ahh” over the baby? You’re a girl. Aren’t you supposed to be nuts over babies? Go on and coo.

Me: [maintaining office decorum while in earshot of the glowing parents] haha sure. sure. I’m just busy.

End Scene.

What offended me so? The gross generalization of my gender’s preferences? Well, yes. But that’s for another day. No, I take it personally that he thinks I would go nuts over a semi-random baby. See, folks, shocking as this may be for “a girl”…

I do not like babies.

They are smelly, expensive and STICKY. They sleep when they are supposed to be awake and are awake when they are supposed to sleep. They cry when they are hungry or tired or thirsty or uncomfortable or when they hear loud noises or the sky is blue. Which, so you know, is roughly once an hour. They require diapers and weird tubes of stuff called “butt paste” and jars of strange food-like-substances I wouldn’t feed to the dog. They take garbage out of the garbage can and put books in. They are incapable of sitting quietly and politely through a meal. They are unnervingly short and refuse to engage in proper conversation.


No. I don’t care for babies.

Unless… unless they belong to someone I DO like. Then, I will warm up to the offspring in direct proportion to the amount I like the parents:

A person I (passive aggressively) dislike = “Congratulations! How are those sleepless nights going for you? You look just exhausted.”

Acquaintance = “Congratulations!”

Friend = “Congratulations!! Oh, he/she is adorable.

Close Friend = “Congratulations! Gorgeous! Just gorgeous! Let me know if you ever need a babysitter.” [I will babysit when they are newborns (that’s when they just sit there like a lump and do nothing during typical babysitting hours) up until they can walk. after that I am always too busy.]

Family = “Ahhh! Can I hold him/her?”

Kelsey = “[gasp] I love her. Do you think she’ll like me? Now. When I take her back to Belgium with me should I hold her or keep her in the carrying basket?

So no. As a general rule, I do not like the vast majority of babies. At this very moment, in fact, I can think only ONE baby. One baby in the whole wide world that I like. (and by “like” I mean “am obsessed with”)

[sidenote: Suzy, if you are reading this, YOUR baby looks genuinely gorgeous and I really hope to meet her over Christmas and that you let me play with her! There is an excellent chance I will like her too. Provided she is not overly sticky. 🙂 ]

One last thing. Also for the record. I am NOT the only one who is enamored with this child:

Her mom is besotted.
“Aww” (no really, she’s saying “aww”)
Her daddy adores her.
Uncle Mike is a fan.
I think she’s pretty fun.
I’m failry confident Grandpap likes his running buddy.
It’s no secret Grandma Katie thinks she’s swell.
Quite frankly, she has all of them under her spell.

My only hope is that my future baby is as cool. I’m sure I will love it just as much – apparently that comes as part of the package – but will it be as awesome? One can only dream.

One Comment leave one →
  1. August 11, 2009 2:46 pm

    You better come visit me around Christmas! I want to see you and catch up! Plus you must play with Julianna! =) She would like you!

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